I dunno if I am qualified for this damn thing. But I think existing within some kind of structure which calls me to be, might be good, at this point.
The more the hoopla and fan fare around my mom’s death dies down, the more I do. It’s like the dust is settling in terms of everything I was aiming to be.
I never realized it, but in my own kooky way, my entire life was devoted to pleasing my parents – even inside my rebellious choices. Where I live, the jobs I chose so I could pay bills, who I loved and how I loved them (all designed so they could feel I was okay and be okay due to that).
I really love my parents, particularly my mother (dad was the absentee dad who didn’t know what to do with a little girl and who over worked). But my mother’s life goal was to be very involved and active in my life.
And I don’t blame dad anymore, but our closeness was framed by my mom a little bit. Even before she died, he had taken to passing on conversations, with the aim of ‘getting it through her.’
And I’d lost my commitment to having it appear a certain way, so I let that happen. But then he became sick when she was sickly, and I found myself communicating to each of them for the other. Long story short, I then handed over his proxy, which had been my mom’s position, to my brother…so I could focus in on my mom’s waning health.
We ended up moving him into an assisted living facility, where he could receive 24 hr care and where she would be able to too (when she returned home). So my communication and interaction with my dad is somewhat fragmented presently.
Anyway I’m free to carve out any career now. My mom thought I should give up the entertainment focus from jump and my dad supported what she thought. But there’s no one to report to now.
Well first I need to work on my motivation (which is zilch from the loss). See a grief counselor, which I am doing next week. If that helps, maybe I can buckle down and complete the last edit of the screenplay for the film Glo.
Apply here even? Since her death I’ve been taking the procrastination special, because when I open up the thing, my attention flits away. And my sleep hasn’t been much better.
But maybe this thing will work, and the above attempt can be made.